Living Single in a Married Church World

The question that plagues so many, how is a single adult to survive in a church world that tends to relegate singles as second class and unusable in the Kingdom of God? A special thanks to a friend of mine, Gabe, for pointing out to me a recent blog by Steve DeWitt on the issue of living single and how we may use this time to grow in our faith. However, as I pointed out to my friend and received his agreement, it seems DeWitt is overemphasizing some things and missing out on others. This is not to say his insights are not helpful or even wrong, for I would argue that he is right, but incomplete. Here is my response to his post on the purpose for feelings of loneliness.

First, it seems DeWitt makes a too solid distinction between "loneliness" and "aloneness". He equates loneliness with solely being an emotion experienced to remind us of our singular need for God only. I would disagree. We can have full fellowship with God and still feel lonely. That was the point of God parading the animals before Adam in Genesis 2. Adam was able to see all the pairs and it left him feeling that something was missing for him - a sense of loneliness (2:20). Yet this occurred before the Fall when Adam would have had complete fellowship with God and thus total satisfaction in Him. So how could Adam experience this sense of something missing if all was to be found in God alone? This is the point. Man was created to experience fullness in relationship, and particularly in a triune sort of relationship I would argue. That triune relationship is God-man-woman.

Now does this excuse our lonely feelings. Yes and no. Those feelings for a single person are natural and healthy because we have not fully filled the role as we were created. However, we enter into a sinful position when those feelings become chief in our lives, when filling that void becomes our primary pursuit and thus an idol of sorts. This is an opportunity for us to learn to die to self. Thanks to the Fall our needs and desires have become out of whack, and over-blown in our minds. The true goal is to make all our desires and passions balanced, priorities aligned so that pursuit of God is first, others come second. Note they are second, not made so that they are not a priority at all, but put into their proper place.

We do need to follow in DeWitt’s steps, using these feelings of loneliness to drive us toward finding our rest in God. Spousal relationships will not fulfill that lonely feeling, but nor will having only a good relationship with God. Only when we are filling our role as we were created to be in its fullness will those feelings be resolved. Even here though we encounter a problem. Married people with strong relationships with God still can feel lonely, and that serves as an indication that the Fall still causes those good relationships to be less than what they should be. And when the final redemption comes, they will be totally restored and oh how we all long for that day. Married or single.

Spurgeon On Open Air Preaching

"A great deal of sermonizing may be defined as saying nothing at extreme length; but out of doors verbosity is not admired. You must say something and have done with it and go on to say something more."`

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from Charles Spurgeon, “Lectures to My Students: Second Series” Baker: 1978. 89.

Spurgeon on Open Air Preaching

“I am quite sure, too, that if we could persuade our friends in the country to come out a good many times in the year and hold a service in a meadow, or in a shady grove, or on the hill side, or in a garden, or on a common, it would be all the better for the usual hearers. The mere novelty of the place would freshen their interest, and wake them up. The slight change of scene would have a wonderful effect upon the more somnolent. See how mechanically they move into their usual place of worship, and how mechanically they go out again. They fall into their seats as if at last they had found a resting place; they rise to sing with an amazing effort, and they drop down before you have time for a doxology at the close of the hymn because they did not notice it was coming. What logs some regular hearers are! Many of them are asleep with their eyes open. After sitting a certain number of years in the same old spot, where the pews, pulpit, galleries, and all things else are always the same, except that they get a little dirtier and dingier every week, where everybody occupies the same position for ever and for evermore, and the minister’s face, voice, tone are much the same from January to December, – you get to feel the holy quiet of the scene and listen to what is going on  as though it were addressed to “the dull cold ear of death.” As a miller hears his wheels as though he did not hear them, or a stoker scarcely notices the clatter of his engine after enduring it for a little time; or as a dweller in London never notices the ceaseless grind of the traffic; so do many members of our congregations become insensible to the most earnest addresses, and accept them as a matter of course. The preaching and the rest of it get t obe so usual that they might as well not be at all. Hence a change of place might be useful, it might prevent monotony, shake up indifference, suggest thought, and in a thousand ways promote attention, and give new hope of doing good. A great fire which should burn some of our chapels to the ground might not be the greatest calamity which has ever occurred, if it only aroused some of those rivals of the seven sleepers of Ephesus who will never be moved so long as the old house and the old pews hold together. Besides, the fresh air and plenty of it is a grand thing for every mortal man, woman, and child.”

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from Charles Spurgeon, “Lectures to My Students: Second Series” Baker: 1978. 80-81 (italics his).

How Could This Happen?

There is a common sentiment among conservative evangelicals that we must “win back” America for God particularly in the public sphere. Found within that is a growing sense of shock or even horror at the present situation with the continual eroding of acceptance toward Christianity and particularly the cross. Even now there is a law suit by the American Atheist association against the placement of two steel cross beams from the World Trade Center in a WTC memorial. The reason simply being the beams resembled a cross and many rescue workers found great solace in it. Some have even marveled at this attack because they are not concerned about the Star of David that was cut from the metal beams or even other religious paraphernalia coming from the WTC site. Why the specific focus on Christianity? Rather than ask why us, I feel the real question should be why is it only starting now? Why are so many Christians surprised at the various attacks against their faith? Maybe the American Christian needs to reexamine their Bible looking for what the New Testament authors expected from the non-believing world around them. Maybe if we stand for the cross as much as they once did we should expect the same sort of treatment.

I know this will make for a longer post, but consider the following passages, all quoted from the ESV.

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Matthew 5:10-12 - ¹⁰ "Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. ¹¹ ¶ "Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. ¹² Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

John 15:18-21 - ¹⁸ ¶ "If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you. ¹⁹ If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. ²⁰ Remember the word that I said to you: 'A servant is not greater than his master.' If they persecuted me, they will also persecute you. If they kept my word, they will also keep yours. ²¹ But all these things they will do to you on account of my name, because they do not know him who sent me.

Acts 5:41 – ⁴¹ Then they left the presence of the council, rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer dishonor for the name.

Romans 8:16-17 - ¹⁶ The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, ¹⁷ and if children, then heirs--heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

Philippians 1:29 - ²⁹ For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake,

Philippians 3:10 - ¹⁰ that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,

2 Thessalonians 1:4-7 - ⁴ Therefore we ourselves boast about you in the churches of God for your steadfastness and faith in all your persecutions and in the afflictions that you are enduring. ⁵ ¶ This is evidence of the righteous judgment of God, that you may be considered worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you are also suffering-- ⁶ since indeed God considers it just to repay with affliction those who afflict you, ⁷ and to grant relief to you who are afflicted as well as to us, when the Lord Jesus is revealed from heaven with his mighty angels

2 Timothy 4:5 -⁵ As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry. (note it does not say “avoid suffering” but “endure”)

1 Peter 2:19-23 - ¹⁹ For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly. ²⁰ For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. ²¹ For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. ²² He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. ²³ When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.

Take up your Cross, and follow Jesus.