Living Single in a Married Church World

The question that plagues so many, how is a single adult to survive in a church world that tends to relegate singles as second class and unusable in the Kingdom of God? A special thanks to a friend of mine, Gabe, for pointing out to me a recent blog by Steve DeWitt on the issue of living single and how we may use this time to grow in our faith. However, as I pointed out to my friend and received his agreement, it seems DeWitt is overemphasizing some things and missing out on others. This is not to say his insights are not helpful or even wrong, for I would argue that he is right, but incomplete. Here is my response to his post on the purpose for feelings of loneliness.

First, it seems DeWitt makes a too solid distinction between "loneliness" and "aloneness". He equates loneliness with solely being an emotion experienced to remind us of our singular need for God only. I would disagree. We can have full fellowship with God and still feel lonely. That was the point of God parading the animals before Adam in Genesis 2. Adam was able to see all the pairs and it left him feeling that something was missing for him - a sense of loneliness (2:20). Yet this occurred before the Fall when Adam would have had complete fellowship with God and thus total satisfaction in Him. So how could Adam experience this sense of something missing if all was to be found in God alone? This is the point. Man was created to experience fullness in relationship, and particularly in a triune sort of relationship I would argue. That triune relationship is God-man-woman.

Now does this excuse our lonely feelings. Yes and no. Those feelings for a single person are natural and healthy because we have not fully filled the role as we were created. However, we enter into a sinful position when those feelings become chief in our lives, when filling that void becomes our primary pursuit and thus an idol of sorts. This is an opportunity for us to learn to die to self. Thanks to the Fall our needs and desires have become out of whack, and over-blown in our minds. The true goal is to make all our desires and passions balanced, priorities aligned so that pursuit of God is first, others come second. Note they are second, not made so that they are not a priority at all, but put into their proper place.

We do need to follow in DeWitt’s steps, using these feelings of loneliness to drive us toward finding our rest in God. Spousal relationships will not fulfill that lonely feeling, but nor will having only a good relationship with God. Only when we are filling our role as we were created to be in its fullness will those feelings be resolved. Even here though we encounter a problem. Married people with strong relationships with God still can feel lonely, and that serves as an indication that the Fall still causes those good relationships to be less than what they should be. And when the final redemption comes, they will be totally restored and oh how we all long for that day. Married or single.